WARNING: THIS ARTICLE WAS PRODUCED AS PART OF APRIL FOOLS DAY JOKE. ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTIONAL. I DO NOT REPRESENT THE COURT OF MASTER SOMMELIERS AND NEVER HAVE.
It’s about time hyper-decanting was given the recognition the recognition it deserves!
For those of you that aren’t in the loop, hyper-decanting is quite simply the process of pouring a whole bottle of wine (red or white) into a food processor, turning it to the appropriate setting for an “adequate” length of time (whipping it into a foamy/frothy frenzy), letting the foam settle and then serving.
The resulting product has been shown to drastically improve the flavor of every wine it’s applied to.
The Court of Master Sommeliers is recommending hyper-decanting for table-side service in all fine dining restaurants, and have even taken the step to introduce it to their own exams.
“We’ve been ignoring hyper-decanting for long enough. I’ve been telling everyone for years now, but no-one would listen to me. Sh*t has finally started getting REAL around here!” said Master Sommelier James Avrilune (Scorpio).
The Court knows all too well that this slightly unconventional method may raise the occasional eyebrow, so they challenge you to conduct your own blindfolded experiment. Hyper-decant half a bottle of wine, decant the rest the “old-fashioned” way, and then judge the results for yourself.
“The process isn’t only reserved for younger wines, but also vintage Bordeaux and Burgundy. The additional bonus with older wines is that you don’t even need to worry about the sediment. You can just pour it right on in, and the food processor will pretty-much pulverize it to nothing! Bada-bing-bada-boom!” slurred Master Sommelier Ronnie Di Angelo.
In order to see if you have what it takes to pass the Court of Master Sommeliers’ new rigorous test on hyper-decanting, I’ve been lucky enough to get my hands on a few of the sample questions from their practice exam. Give it a shot and let me know how you do: