A little-known website called “Facebook” (apparently it’s some sort of “social networking” service), recently announced a brand new application, which it hopes will revolutionize the way you think about updating your social status!
It used to be that drunk dialing was the thorn-in-the-side of the intoxicated cell phone user, then it became drunk texting; and now with the recent surge in social media, drunken status updates have become the next big problem.
Introducing the “Breathalyze My Status” app, and plugin pocket-size breathalyzer!
Now you can update your status just by blowing into the small device, without fear of grammatical errors or spelling mistakes. After the app gets a reading, your status on Facebook will automatically update based on your level on toxicity, pulling from a database of over 13,000 pre-programmed statuses.
In a recent interview, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg stated “I’m not going to lie, I think this gadget is complete crap, but if it somehow makes me money; and even better, robs you of some of your privacy, I’M ALL FOR IT!!!!”
Extensive undercover field-research at bars across the country went into compiling the database of pre-determined Facebook status updates, which range from the relatively sober:
Hard day at work! Feels good to relax and unwind at the bar! Come out and join me!!!
To the slightly more tipsy:
I HATE all my friends! No-one showed up! I’m all alone with only the bartender to talk to……and she just told me she only got released from prison yesterday…and the less said about the tattoo on her face the better…!
To the little less coherent:
This bartender is the PRETTIEST WOMAN I have ever seen in my whole life…..some day I think I’m gonna marry this girl….!
To the completely annihilated:
I don’t…<hiccup>…tell my friends how much I LOVE them often enough!!!! But I dooooo!!!! You’re all like brothers …<hiccup>…and sisters to meeeeeee…….and……. oh…… wowwww…. I think I just threw up in the bartenders handbag…..…<hiccup>…lol…… :)
The Breathalyze My Status app will launch when Facebook is good and ready, and not a day before. They basically run the World now, and will do as they please.